Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
Q: Who’s there?
A: Control Freak.
A: Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey… and a cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was born with them.”
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
If you laugh at these dark jokes, you’re probably a genius.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Don’t miss these other science jokes every nerd will appreciate.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Where are average things manufactured?
These are our favourite jokes of all time!
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
Check out more funny puns here.
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”
Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
What do you call a fake noodle?
If these short jokes are giving you a laugh, here are more dumb and funny jokes.
What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.
Found that funny? Get a chuckle at these corny Halloween jokes.
What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
What do you call a magic dog?
What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Here are 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
What is an astronaut’s favourite part on a computer?
The space bar.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
Next, celebrate National Tell-a-Joke Day with these 50 corny jokes.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
Make sure to remember these 25 clever jokes that instantly make you sound smart.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
If you’re a word nerd, here are 20 grammar jokes that are hilarious.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
Next, read up on 15 witty bar jokes anyone can remember.
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
All of the fans left.
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.